What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey.
"But I just haven't got the energy."


"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."


The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.


He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major.
Taking the Major to their headquarters,
the French General began to question him.
The French General asked,
"Why do you English Officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material
makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the Major informed the General
that the reason English Officers wear red coats
is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show
and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day until now
all French Army Officers wear brown pants.








A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."




A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???"

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
• Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
• Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
• Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her butt and thought she was making a booty call.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
• Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on the way down. .
• Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
• Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
• Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
• Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"