On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

Mr. bear and Mr. rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did he always gave them six wishes.

He told them that they could have three wishes each. Mr. bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately and the rabbit put it on. Mr. bear was amazed at Mr. rabbits choice, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. rabbit then asked for a motorcycle.

It appeared before him and he got on it and started revving the engine. Mr. bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. bear made his final wish, that all the bears in the world were female leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. rabbit for his last wish. Mr. rabbit revved the engine, thought for a moment, then said, "I wish that Mr. bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.


HOW TO IMPRESS
A WOMAN.

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her
* Support her,
* Hold her
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS
A MAN

* Show up naked ... * Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV



The Deadly Affair
There were three guys standing in line to get into heaven. Just as they were about to enter, St. Peter stops them and tells them they have room for only one more person, so the one who died the worst death may enter.

St. Peter starts off with the first guy and his reply was: "I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."

St Peter says, "that's pretty bad," and asks the second guy how he died.

The second guy said, "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me and I fell with it 10 flights below, and now I'm here."

St. Peter thinks to himself, 'that's pretty bad..'

The third guy was Bill Clinton!
St. Peter was surprised and said, 'Well Bill, what happened to you?" Bill says, "Well, you won't believe it. Picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said,
''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles,
not two testicles!!''

Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pitied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi. She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures."


That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.


In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."